I didn't write down the day, but I remember it well.
I was walking down Water Street, in Port Townsend, Washington. Water is the main street in the Beautiful Victorian seaside town. It was a perfect day, weatherwise, and an all around perfect day to start living. It started when I was at the beginning of the "downtown" area. I said "Hi" to a woman, and she said "Hi" back. I smiled, and she smiled.
Up until that very moment, I had been living in a shell, afraid to talk to anyone, because I was taught that nothing I could say mattered, or was of any value at all. In fact, I felt like it was bothersome for people to even hear my voice, or have me around. This was one of very few occasions that I could get away from my very abusive mother. I had stayed with my Uncle, and Aunt in New Mexico for a couple of months the 2 previous summers, and they showed me love. I felt good around them, so when they invited me to stay with them in their new place, I was excited! At that time in my life, I had a new friend, Ian, who liked me for who I was, and it was amazing. Because of that, I started seriously contemplating why I wasn't social. I had thought about it before, but just tried to accept it. The kids didn't hate me, but I just was there. I didn't get invited to birthday parties, or even to just hang out. I could have been just as funny as any of them, if I wasn't afraid to speak. I wasn't deformed. I started to wonder if I was holding myself back.
After a lot of thought, and fear, I made a decision; I was going to allow myself to be myself, unrestrained. What did that mean? I had no idea. However, I saw people who would just speak to other people, and not be ridiculed, and I wanted that. How was it possible? I didn't know. How would I figure it out? Just try. It was a scary idea! The thing that made it possible was the idea that, if I failed, and people thought I was some jerk fool kid, and laughed at me, or hurt me in any way, I would go home, and never see them again. I knew pain, and although I didn't welcome it, I wasn't afraid of it enough to let it stop me.
The months leading up to going to visit my relatives were easier than most, because I had something. My life had little more than pain until then. Now I had something; not as strong as a purpose, but something like it. I had possibility... I had.... hope... For the very first time. If all was lost, I would always remember that feeling, and keep it deep down with the few pretty things that my mother couldn't touch.
The very moment I got into my Dad's car to go to the airport, it started. I was smiling freely. I was free.
My Aunt and Uncle noticed the spring in my step.
I sprung right down to Water street. I was free, but nervous, and apprehensive. I almost bailed out. Almost.
It was uncomfortable at first, but I looked at people, instead of the ground. I even looked some in the eyes. They looked back pleasantly. It fueled my fire.
"I'm going to talk to the next person I see.".
I couldn't back down. Ian and I would subtly challenge each other, and it helped.
A woman was walking toward me. I panicked.
"Pretend you're looking at something in the window!"
NO.
I HAVE to do it!
"She can already tell you're acting weird, because you are weird."
Maybe not?
"She'll hurt your feelings"
Maybe....
"Hi!" I smiled.
"Hi" She smiled back, and....
that was it.
My life changed right then. Thank you, nice lady. You have NO idea...
The rest of the day, I actually chatted with strangers! No one hurt me in any way. They laughed when I said something that I thought was funny. They cared about what I had to say, and spoke back. People even changed what they were doing to talk to me!
Oh, glorious day! I had never imagined such joy. I would not look back. I was a person; a real life talking, playing, living person that people wanted to pay attention to!
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